Burger Eye

'Burger eye'
Something my sister says if i have been crying as my eyes get so puffy the top lid looks like a hamburger bun.
I have a serious case of burger eye today!!
I cried for 2 hours solid this morning, just a few silent tears at first that lead up to great big sobs, most unattractive. A snotty nosed, coughing, spluttering mess.
I cant really even pinpoint what started me off. I was just sitting drawing up my IV's, my ears started tingling with the pressure of holding back the tears then they fell so heavy that i couldn't see what i was doing. I cant really even tell you why i was crying, even now?!
I think it was a build up of worry, fear, frustration, exhaustion, sickness and stress that just somehow needed to be released , it came over me really quickly, its like my sub conscious mind had opened its gates and let my thoughts fill my conscious mind.

I realised how close it was to christmas and how some of my gifts hadn't been delivered and how some people may go without as i left it to late to order presents online.
As most of you know i was in hospital on the lead up to Christmas so had no time to go to the shops. Before i knew it, it was the 20th of December and i hadn't even gotten round to ordering anything online. Its like the last few weeks had been slept away in illness. Christmas totally being forgotten about in the haze of ill health, Antibiotics, lung function, x-rays, blood tests, feeding, physio, Drs and psychologists meetings, plans for my future health and most of all my own worry!!

I'm usually very festive, i love making gifts. Cookies, Cakes, Crackers, Shopping for the perfect gifts, spending hours wrapping, tying ribbons bows and bells are just a few things i spent all of December doing. I love to see peoples faces when they get there gift i love personalizing things, but this year was so different. I hate the fact that i have to hand people a present that i have ordered online, not something i have touched or smelt and picked. There is something different for me picking it from a shop , just seeing a picture on line to me isn't what Christmas is about i love searching for the perfect presents.
I know my family understand why i haven't put as much time in to Christmas this year and to be honest they probably dont even care, but there is a small part of me that thinks when Christmas is all over someone may have a quick thought that i just didn't care about them as much this year. I really am worried. It makes matters so much worse that some of the gifts have not been delivered yet and id be heartbroken to turn up with nothing on the day, instead just a promise something is coming.
I have no food treats for anybody not even a card. Tomorrow is Christmas eve and i have so much to do. I dont even have wrapping paper to wrap what presents have turned up. So between 3 lots of IV's and family visits i need to find the time to get to the shop to get cards and paper and try to salvage my lack of effort :/

Of course all of this is down to my deteriorating health and there is not much i can do about it. The whole prospect of my poor health is still overwhelming me and im happy to leave it locked in the back of my mind for now until Christmas is over. I want to enjoy Christmas and my health worries are just something i cant yet deal with or talk about. Not without getting upset and in a muddle. I dont know how to put it in to words so for now i will leave that chapter closed, at least until my mind works out what to do with it all.

I hate that this is not a happy blog what with it being 2 days before Christmas, i wish it could be saying how well i am and how great i feel. Not only do i wish i could say it i wish i could actually feel it.
I hope you do all have a wonderful Christmas and i hope my moaning hasn't pee'd all over your festivity.
I'm sure my Christmas will be just fine and all my worrying will be shown to be pointless. Christmas is about family. I will be with them all at home, instead of being visited in a hospital bed by them so for that i am grateful.

Hoping you all get what you wish for......
MERRY CHRISTMAS
xxxxx