My mum, for as many years as i can remember has said to me .....
'Kerry, you have to keep your mind strong, if your mind fails your body will follow'...
So these past few scary days, and i do mean scary days i have really been thinking hard about mums old saying!
Ok so does this mean if my mind is strong my body will always be? defeat cf? defeat the inevitable? defeat history and drs predictions? ..or does it mean switch my mind of to cf completely? be oblivious to it? can the mind do that? is my mind making me ill? ..well these are the questions i have been battling the last few days why my body is slowly shutting off. I wondered am i shutting it off with my mind?..The Answer quite simply was yes!!
Ok, obviously im not imagining my symptoms, my illness, the pain, the fear, the medication, the sickness, the tightness....however i was VERY willing to lay down and let it take me without fighting, i felt to weak to fight..its a battle i am never going to win. But again another saying of ol dear mum popped in to my head
'If you fight, you fight to the death, and you don't go down without a damm good fight'....A damm good fight ran loud in my ears? A good fight? This is not a good fight, its beating me and im happy to let it, im happy to lay here and let it beat me, what would my legacy be?...she gave up, she let it happen? SHE WAS WEAK!! She dissapointed us and herself? ..
Or could i muster some strength from somewhere gain some control and put cf back where it belonged, a small part of me or 'ALL' of me?
Well obviously my mind can not heal me but it can help to a certain extent, along with the right mixture of medication to get me through. So here is the part where i tell you im putting my foot down with my team, i will no longer be fobbed off saying im on all the medication that is right for me, im clearly not if this is my daily life, just 4 days of nebulisers i have been taking from Clare has opened my lungs up beautifully so much so i can wake up in the morning and roll over, sit up, breathe! I dont have the paralyzed feeling that my chest is keeping me pinned to the bed under the pressure of the shit that's stored down there that the tight airways wont allow to move past, i feel lighter. Lighter in chest, body and mind!!
As a keen girl of yoga and the Buddhist practice of 'mindfulness' i kind of feel empowered this morning, like my mind is ready for this fight, its almost wanting the fight just to prove it can win, that the weakness was a temporary disability and not to be taken advantage of!
Thats sometimes what i see cf as, this thing in my body that tries to eat away at me, like a demon making its way through my lungs, uninvited and taking advantage!
Surely its only me that can stop it in its tracks? (well me and the right medication)
I am meeting with my team Friday.
Me and the fight that has returned in my mind will tackle this demon, i will not leave that hospital until i feel the treatment plan im on will be as strong and as good as it can be...
My mind is set...so lets go
No comments:
Post a Comment