65 Roses?....A beautiful way of saying Cystic Fibrosis, however does not make CF any more beautiful. My wish is to be standing untarnished, unbreakable, breathing easily.... A blog that is about my day to day life, as well as trying to cope with my illness Cystic Fibrosis. There will be no hold backs just me...out in the open, hope you enjoy! xXx

Thursday, 18 September 2014

The Stalk

It's been a while.
I guess all my thoughts have been under control recently.
My blog is my outlet, weather it be good or bad, somewhere to spill the overflowing thoughts.
I guess it's time to spill.....

"We dont think you can have children"....a sentance no women ever wants to hear.
..Especially when they actually ovulate and have viable healthy eggs.

Cystic Fibrosis, yet again has put its ugly head in the way of 'life' not just mine, but my partner toms and our child who has not yet been conceived.
I have all i need to create a life, but to maintain that life and carry it to term is another story. With my deplieting lung function and lower level of oxygen, how could i oxygenate a baby, keep it alive...and myself alive too.
Well there is no guarentee i could do either! 
it could go one of 2 ways, i could have a miraculousy amazing pregnancy where myself and baby would be well, no complications, no adverse effects, perfect baby and mother... or, and unfortunately the more likely of the 2, it would be the hardest and quite honestly the stupiest thing i could do.
 I want a baby, but at the cost of my own health, my own life? I'm not to sure.

The baby would take what it needed regardless of what the body that it is growing inside of needed.. Calories, oxygen even the toxic drugs i take to survive would be split with baby.
Could my lungs, or more to the point, the less than 1 lung i have cope with the strain of carrying the weight? Probably not.
An average of 20% lung function is lost during pregnancy and there is no guarentee it would be regained, so 20% is what i would be left to work with. 10% lower than the recommended transplant stage, i would have my baby, but at what cost? A life reduced to being in bed, in a wheelchair, wating and preying for donor lungs with uncertainty. A motherless baby, a man without his partner. Left to raise a baby single handedly because of one womens selfish need to fullfill the empty yearning that a childless women has to bear.

Tom wants to be a dad, he would be an amazing dad, but to be a dad and sacrifice the life of the women he loves, in his eyes is a no brainer. He wants me and i want him, so the grieving process for the child we will never have had to begin.
We can, and already do, have an amzing life just the 2 of us, we have nieces and godchildren as well as friends with babies, so that will be our life we have to accept that...for us to have a child could be the ultimate sacrifice to my life, A sacrifice we are not willing to make.

If only a stalk dropped a baby off we would be fine, heard of the saying "have your cake and eat it too?" well that would be us, we would have our baby, our family, my health and our future.

So i guess this is the part we tell you we have a stalk....well as good as.
We have 2 genuinly selfless, strong, and amazing people in our life who have offered to be our stalk...our surrogate. 
My egg, Toms sperm, our biologocical child.
The future we want, all because of 2 selfless people who have offered there bodies for 9 months.
We have the ingredient for our 'bun' we just need a proverbial oven.

We have choose to keep the identities of both our potential surrogates a secret at this time, both will need to pass a medical, and the better candidate will then start treatment along side me to sync our cycles.
Myself or Tom will never find the worlds of gratitude to these people, but to know there are people in the world willing to give a couple such a gift is humbeling. 
2 women are willing to make our dreams come true.... why? Just to see the people they love happy and complete.


Our surrogacy journey has begun <3 

1 comment:

  1. That's so exciting! You two would be amazing parents as you already know :) xxx