If pain is invisible, how do people around you know you are in pain?
Is it mearly the words spoken of the pain?
Or if there are visible signs, I.E a bruise, a broken limb or blood does it become automatically assumed that the person is in pain?
What happens when the pain is not visible in such a way to the human eye?
The pain is inside, while outside you look painfree?
Do people understand and see the invisible pain as real as they would blood....or do they infact feel more sympathy for this invisible pain as they have only their imagination to guide them?
For 2 days i have been in pain,
For 2 days i have been in bed,
For 2 days i have cried.
My lungs simply feel like they are not functioning. My diaphragm feels bruised and swollen, parts of my lungs are sticking together restricting air flow, it hurts to breathe in, to breath out, to talk, to cough, to sneeze, to laugh!
'One pain is lessened by another's anguish' - William Shakespeare
If Anguish is a sense of pain how do we feel it?
I felt it yesterday when my mum and sister refused to let me sit in bed any longer, they understood my pain but knew i needed fresh air so helped me downstairs to sit in the garden to get some sun on my face.
Through the tears of my physical pain i could see my sisters tears of mental pain.
She could see pain through my tears as i sat and spoke through gasping breaths, just as i could see pain through her tears as she helped me to get comfortable on my chair.
Can pain be any more bearable if mental as apposed to physical?
She knew there was nothing she could do to help me and the frustration at that made her cry, just as i was crying out of frustration of not being able to stop her cry.
Can any pain be lessened by anothers anguish?
'The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain' - Lord Byron
If pain is a feeling, is it a feeling we would rather do without? or is pain indeed what makes us know we are living.
Is it as essential in life as the air we breathe?
Do we need the sensation of pain to feel the sensation of living, is living pain?
Pain comes in all ways, none of which i feel outway another, each are as hard as the other, physical or mental, but i do wonder how much pain one body can go through physically before they are mentally pained.
Am i justified in my mental anguish when the physicality of pain is so exaggerated?
Does the invisibility of my illness make it less real to the human eye?
What cant be cured must be endured, will time and patience will make them easier?
Sunday, 10 June 2012
Friday, 1 June 2012
Eating Eating Eating
I thought i would write a blog about my weight issues as i have been moaning about it for a while
I often get asked ''why do you want to gain weight''
I think in an ever growing society of people who want to be a size zero and with anorexic websites becoming normal surfing for this generations teens, to find someone who actually wants to be bigger than they are is actually bit of a shock to the system for most.
But in truth you will find that most people with CF will be fighting just as hard as most with their diets, only not to cut out the calories but to add them in their food in as many ways as possible.
'CF Tummies' do work work as 'the norm' do. We suffer with malnutrition and extreme weight loss. We are unable to absorb the fat from food due to our pancreas not being able to release the enzyme in which to do so. Every meal and snack has to be supplemented with up to 40 pills which is an artificial version of the pancreas enzymes. The enzyme in the tablet is actually extracted from a pigs pancreas as it is the closest version of our own..sounds lovely...right?!
Even with our 'piggy pills' its still impossible to absorb all the fat, so to counteract this we simply have to eat!...and eat and eat and eat. 3000-4000 calories per day is needed to maintain a healthy weight, it can be even more when you are trying to gain.
So why the constant emphasis on food, well put in laymens terms, everything you do requires calories, walking talking, even breathing.
Our lungs have to work a hell of a lot harder than the average to function and our hearts have to pump faster just to 'breath' so with our lungs using more than the average calories a day, you can see why more calories are needed...to supplement our lungs needs
When infections are rife they love the calories too! If a healthy weight can be maintained whilst well it will mean when an infection rears its ugly head you will have more reserve to fight it with, instead of it taking every ounce of energy you have putting your weight lower and lower...its a constant cycle!
The iller you get the more your weight can suffer so 'feeding' is often used.
This is a small tube that goes up the nose, down the throat and in to the stomach. Although slightly uncomfortable to place the tube its not painful, and is much easier if you are able to do it yourself which thankfully i am, it takes less than a minute to do now, where as it took 10-15 minutes when i first started doing them as i would gag and be sick all the time...not very pleasent, but im a pro now lol :)
A bag of what looks like milkshake is hung up and fed through a pump which releases the feed in to your stomach over an 8 hour period whilst you sleep. The feed i have is 2500 calories. It takes the pressure off of having to constantly eat when you are ill especially if you sleep a lot.
I can go 3-4 days eating nothing, just survivng on cups of tea with sugar, ill only then start to get hunger pains and ill have a food binge and eat everything in sight, it wouldn't surprise me if i ate all those days missed calories in one sitting of junk food.
I have an unhealthy attitude towards food i know that, I see food as essential treatment, not a pleasure or something i enjoy, maybe as there is always so much emphasis on how much you eat and it is spoken about as much as any other part of my treatment the pleasure of it has been taken away, it can get stressful when im being told im to thin, i must eat more. I do know that and im not happy with the way i look i hate my hip bones sticking out and my spine being prominent but to fit so much fat in to your diet is hard work on top of all the daily treatment i do. As my health has declined my weight has to, it kind of goes hand in hand. When i was weller i loved food i ate all the time, loved cooking and trying out new recipes, eating out with friends, 3 course meals most days but now i actually find it hard to eat as being to full crushes my lungs and makes it even harder to breath, again another cycle!
My current weight is 45kg Im 5'2 so that makes my BMI 18.1
Ideally my BMI should be 23 so i have a way to go yet....
I often get asked ''why do you want to gain weight''
I think in an ever growing society of people who want to be a size zero and with anorexic websites becoming normal surfing for this generations teens, to find someone who actually wants to be bigger than they are is actually bit of a shock to the system for most.
But in truth you will find that most people with CF will be fighting just as hard as most with their diets, only not to cut out the calories but to add them in their food in as many ways as possible.
'CF Tummies' do work work as 'the norm' do. We suffer with malnutrition and extreme weight loss. We are unable to absorb the fat from food due to our pancreas not being able to release the enzyme in which to do so. Every meal and snack has to be supplemented with up to 40 pills which is an artificial version of the pancreas enzymes. The enzyme in the tablet is actually extracted from a pigs pancreas as it is the closest version of our own..sounds lovely...right?!
Even with our 'piggy pills' its still impossible to absorb all the fat, so to counteract this we simply have to eat!...and eat and eat and eat. 3000-4000 calories per day is needed to maintain a healthy weight, it can be even more when you are trying to gain.
So why the constant emphasis on food, well put in laymens terms, everything you do requires calories, walking talking, even breathing.
Our lungs have to work a hell of a lot harder than the average to function and our hearts have to pump faster just to 'breath' so with our lungs using more than the average calories a day, you can see why more calories are needed...to supplement our lungs needs
When infections are rife they love the calories too! If a healthy weight can be maintained whilst well it will mean when an infection rears its ugly head you will have more reserve to fight it with, instead of it taking every ounce of energy you have putting your weight lower and lower...its a constant cycle!
The iller you get the more your weight can suffer so 'feeding' is often used.
This is a small tube that goes up the nose, down the throat and in to the stomach. Although slightly uncomfortable to place the tube its not painful, and is much easier if you are able to do it yourself which thankfully i am, it takes less than a minute to do now, where as it took 10-15 minutes when i first started doing them as i would gag and be sick all the time...not very pleasent, but im a pro now lol :)
A bag of what looks like milkshake is hung up and fed through a pump which releases the feed in to your stomach over an 8 hour period whilst you sleep. The feed i have is 2500 calories. It takes the pressure off of having to constantly eat when you are ill especially if you sleep a lot.
I can go 3-4 days eating nothing, just survivng on cups of tea with sugar, ill only then start to get hunger pains and ill have a food binge and eat everything in sight, it wouldn't surprise me if i ate all those days missed calories in one sitting of junk food.
I have an unhealthy attitude towards food i know that, I see food as essential treatment, not a pleasure or something i enjoy, maybe as there is always so much emphasis on how much you eat and it is spoken about as much as any other part of my treatment the pleasure of it has been taken away, it can get stressful when im being told im to thin, i must eat more. I do know that and im not happy with the way i look i hate my hip bones sticking out and my spine being prominent but to fit so much fat in to your diet is hard work on top of all the daily treatment i do. As my health has declined my weight has to, it kind of goes hand in hand. When i was weller i loved food i ate all the time, loved cooking and trying out new recipes, eating out with friends, 3 course meals most days but now i actually find it hard to eat as being to full crushes my lungs and makes it even harder to breath, again another cycle!
My current weight is 45kg Im 5'2 so that makes my BMI 18.1
Ideally my BMI should be 23 so i have a way to go yet....
Tuesday, 29 May 2012
Through a mothers eyes...
So as the title suggests this post is through my mums eyes..what follows is a poem she wrote a few days after i was diagnosed so almost 25 years ago, she has kept this aging piece of paper in a folder locked away...untill now
My Prayer!
Oh god in heaven, what am i to do?
Please! dont take my baby, im begging of you
Save her the suffering and pain ahead
Leave her alone, take me instead
Kerry my darlin' whats happening to you
God name your price I'll bargain with you
If you really are out there, prove it to me
stop all this pain and misery
How can you allow her to suffer this way
Only to take her away some day
From me her mother, her next of kin
What did i do? did i sin?
If you feel i should suffer in some way
Then fair enough i will pay
But not like this, thats not right
To make me face the unbeatable fight
The daily treatment, the drugs the tests
The constant worry the lack of rest
Its all to hard for us to bear
prove to me you really care
Find a treatment, make it alright
Tell me a cure is in sight
Im sorry if asking for help is wrong
but if your going to help, don't leave it to long
time isn't something we cam spare
Please god in heaven hear my prayer!
Spoken from the heart of a young women diagnosed with a terminally sick child, a women who was younger than i am now when she was told this news, from a women who is my hero, my strength, my mentor, my friend...my mother! <3
Friday, 11 May 2012
Everest
I have picked up a cold which rapidly headed to my chest causing havoc! i decided to start IVS pronto as i knew if it was left for just a few days it would have got so much worse, ending with me in hospital
Well 7 days in to my course my port decided to stop working, another spanner in the works! So off i trek to london to have it looked at. When i arrived i was feeling absolutely terrible i couldnt walk i felt very dizzy like i was going to pass out its was like my legs forgot how to function and i had such deep pain in my chest.
Dad drove me up there as i felt to groggy so he got a wheelchair and wheeled me to the ward where i met my nurse who's face told me how terrible i looked she very quickly checked my oxygen levels and my heart rate...my heart rate was 138, and my oxygen was 83% Awful!! my oxygen are usually ok sitting around the 94% mark but over the last few months they have been getting slightly lower but have never been that low! and as for my heart rate that was beating at a pace of someone who has just ran for miles, when i only walked up 7 steps to the hospital entrance....those 7 steps seem to be my Everest now!
The Dr's want me to go in hospital next weekfor oxygen monitoring to see if i need to use oxygen at home, but im hoping that wont be necessary and the low was just this infection.
I think i know deep down i should not be stopping IVS today, or going to bath at the weekend, and should be going in to hospital but i feel i spend so much time there and CF rules so many aspects of my life that i dont want it to ruin the one thing i have been looking forward to for months. I will feel just as ill in hospital as i would in bath, if not worse as ill be couped up feeling depressed, so in the grand scheme of things i dont think with-holding treatment for a few days will be to bad. I could be wrong but whats the worse that can happen??....How many things can i let CF ruin? How long should i stay stubborn and determined for?
The answer to that is simple...I will continue doing that until my body physically will not let me push.
I know my health is extremely poor at the moment and i am beginning to accept the fact its not going to get much better. My lung function is sitting stubborn in the 30's and has done for almost a year now, The length of time between hospital admissions is less, i now use a wheelchair on long journeys and day to day jobs are nigh on an impossibility. I cant bend down to put the washing on, or stand up for to long without feeling weak so dont cook much anymore, even bathing myself is something that is getting increasingly difficult, leaving me feeling breathless and in pain. Housework takes twice as long as i have to constantly sit down to catch my breath. But im still trying to make the best of my life as it is and i feel i need this break away, its been a really crap 18 months and i have been in hospital more than i have been at home.
My CF Team are fantastic and understand that all of there patients still need to have some kind of life through ill health, so they did not push me to go in to hospital any sooner than next week, i think they know that mentally its draining so they encourage you to have fun when you can.
Another blip i have to overcome, another 7 steps to walk up, another mountain to climb, my very own Everest......
Dad drove me up there as i felt to groggy so he got a wheelchair and wheeled me to the ward where i met my nurse who's face told me how terrible i looked she very quickly checked my oxygen levels and my heart rate...my heart rate was 138, and my oxygen was 83% Awful!! my oxygen are usually ok sitting around the 94% mark but over the last few months they have been getting slightly lower but have never been that low! and as for my heart rate that was beating at a pace of someone who has just ran for miles, when i only walked up 7 steps to the hospital entrance....those 7 steps seem to be my Everest now!
The Dr's want me to go in hospital next weekfor oxygen monitoring to see if i need to use oxygen at home, but im hoping that wont be necessary and the low was just this infection.
I think i know deep down i should not be stopping IVS today, or going to bath at the weekend, and should be going in to hospital but i feel i spend so much time there and CF rules so many aspects of my life that i dont want it to ruin the one thing i have been looking forward to for months. I will feel just as ill in hospital as i would in bath, if not worse as ill be couped up feeling depressed, so in the grand scheme of things i dont think with-holding treatment for a few days will be to bad. I could be wrong but whats the worse that can happen??....How many things can i let CF ruin? How long should i stay stubborn and determined for?
The answer to that is simple...I will continue doing that until my body physically will not let me push.
I know my health is extremely poor at the moment and i am beginning to accept the fact its not going to get much better. My lung function is sitting stubborn in the 30's and has done for almost a year now, The length of time between hospital admissions is less, i now use a wheelchair on long journeys and day to day jobs are nigh on an impossibility. I cant bend down to put the washing on, or stand up for to long without feeling weak so dont cook much anymore, even bathing myself is something that is getting increasingly difficult, leaving me feeling breathless and in pain. Housework takes twice as long as i have to constantly sit down to catch my breath. But im still trying to make the best of my life as it is and i feel i need this break away, its been a really crap 18 months and i have been in hospital more than i have been at home.
My CF Team are fantastic and understand that all of there patients still need to have some kind of life through ill health, so they did not push me to go in to hospital any sooner than next week, i think they know that mentally its draining so they encourage you to have fun when you can.
Another blip i have to overcome, another 7 steps to walk up, another mountain to climb, my very own Everest......
Monday, 7 May 2012
My Sisters Keeper
I read a book about 4 years ago called my sisters keeper, im sure many of you know about it as it was later turned in to a film, for those who haven't heres a brief summery....
A young child was diagnosed with with leukemia, the best chance of survival was to find an absolute perfect match to provide her with cord blood, bone marrow and eventually kidneys. The perfect match would have been for the parents to have a 'designed baby' a test tube baby who would provide their existing child with life.
The film mainly based on Anna, the girl who was designed for her sister. She explained that although her sister was primarily the sick one, she too suffered by having blood drawn, bone marrow and kidney transplants for the sake of her sister, she too lived a life of hospital visits because of her sister.
This really got me thinking about my sister and her life having to deal with CF. Although she does not 'suffer' with Cystic Fibrosis and true i do not rely on her in anyway physically to keep me alive, i did and still do require an awful lot of strength and understanding from her mentally, and from a very young age too, before she even knew what was happening to her little sister.
Hospital rooms, corridors, nurses and doctors, for her too was 'normal' Ambulance men in the night, my mum and dads worried and stressed faces as they tried to nurse me. Her life was often as disrupted as mine. If my hospital bag was packed at 3am so was hers, accept hers was being being packed for another overnight stay at my nans house.
Long line, cannula, x-ray, lung function and psuedomonous was as clear in her vocabulary at the age of 5 as was the words toys, playschool and sweets.
She was there at times when my veins needed to accessed, she would try to hold me down with my mum and even come away with fat lips and bleeding noses as i kicked out in vain to avoid the doctors needles, she was a little adult at 7, old before her time having witnessed things to young. But as i say this was 'normal' for us, just another day in the Robinson household..
I will never know at what age she really knew what Cf was and why what was happening to me was actually happening. I do however remember her telling me off for breathing to loudly or coughing if she was listening to her Michael Jackson tapes :D
Im not sure if i will ever be forgiven for telling you what i am about to as it brings my mum to tears everytime it is spoken about, but she once told me and sara of a time i was extremely poorly laying on the living room floor with a temprature of 41 screaming in pain, coughing myself in to a frenzy of heaving and vomiting. She sat on the floor with me and preyed to god to help her, to help me. I was only young, just a few months old, sara still in nappies come up to my mums side in tears, she was told to be quiet and go and sit down, which she did.
After my mum had settled me, how long it took i dont know, she turned to see sara had taken off her own wet nappy left it on the floor and curled up on the sofa and went to sleep. To this day my mum will say she has never got over what had happened and sobbed at the thought of sara being sent away, wet cold and tired. Did sara know at that age my mums attention was split? did she know i was ill? did she feel it was best to stay away?How did she feel being shipped off to my nans house? If i was in hospital my mum stayed with me, my dad worked full time so sara was always to stay with my nan. Did she feel abadonned? neglected? unloved? or did she truly in her soul know what was going on in her surroundings?
Sara is a beautiful soul, we call her a witch as she is very in tune with what is going on, she knows me, how i feel... what i feel! There have been times in recent years when she has been at work and been overwelmed with a panicing feeling to later find out at that exact time on that exact day i was having an attack and was rushed to hospital, There is such a thing as twin intuition, well can there be sister intuition? I truly believe with me and sara there is.
A few years ago i was wheeled out of theatre after having a metal plate inserted in to my chest..(a portacafe) still groggy from anesthetic, hadn't yet opened my eyes and high on pain killers, i managed to open my mouth and mutter the "tell sara to stop crying" I was later told that there is no way i could have seen her as she was behind me as my bed was being wheeled back to my room, i just knew she was crying without opening my eyes, or even being fully alert!
My mum is a strong believer in destiny, path lines, past lives and karma, she has often told her she is on this earth, in this life to care for me, it was her destiny..so if that being true was CF destined for me, was sara destined to be a well person who is caught up in illness...Her life is this way because of my destiny, have i kept her from living a normal life. Have i made her question our parents love and attention for her or does she know its just our destiny's
Was i destined to be my sisters keeper?
Anna was designed and destined to save her sister from cancer... was sara made to save me in a way no doctor can? by providing humor love and understanding. By being my rock and my inspiration, my sister and my best friend...
Is she to 'her sisters keeper'??? ...........
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
A young child was diagnosed with with leukemia, the best chance of survival was to find an absolute perfect match to provide her with cord blood, bone marrow and eventually kidneys. The perfect match would have been for the parents to have a 'designed baby' a test tube baby who would provide their existing child with life.
The film mainly based on Anna, the girl who was designed for her sister. She explained that although her sister was primarily the sick one, she too suffered by having blood drawn, bone marrow and kidney transplants for the sake of her sister, she too lived a life of hospital visits because of her sister.
This really got me thinking about my sister and her life having to deal with CF. Although she does not 'suffer' with Cystic Fibrosis and true i do not rely on her in anyway physically to keep me alive, i did and still do require an awful lot of strength and understanding from her mentally, and from a very young age too, before she even knew what was happening to her little sister.
Hospital rooms, corridors, nurses and doctors, for her too was 'normal' Ambulance men in the night, my mum and dads worried and stressed faces as they tried to nurse me. Her life was often as disrupted as mine. If my hospital bag was packed at 3am so was hers, accept hers was being being packed for another overnight stay at my nans house.
Long line, cannula, x-ray, lung function and psuedomonous was as clear in her vocabulary at the age of 5 as was the words toys, playschool and sweets.
She was there at times when my veins needed to accessed, she would try to hold me down with my mum and even come away with fat lips and bleeding noses as i kicked out in vain to avoid the doctors needles, she was a little adult at 7, old before her time having witnessed things to young. But as i say this was 'normal' for us, just another day in the Robinson household..
I will never know at what age she really knew what Cf was and why what was happening to me was actually happening. I do however remember her telling me off for breathing to loudly or coughing if she was listening to her Michael Jackson tapes :D
Im not sure if i will ever be forgiven for telling you what i am about to as it brings my mum to tears everytime it is spoken about, but she once told me and sara of a time i was extremely poorly laying on the living room floor with a temprature of 41 screaming in pain, coughing myself in to a frenzy of heaving and vomiting. She sat on the floor with me and preyed to god to help her, to help me. I was only young, just a few months old, sara still in nappies come up to my mums side in tears, she was told to be quiet and go and sit down, which she did.
After my mum had settled me, how long it took i dont know, she turned to see sara had taken off her own wet nappy left it on the floor and curled up on the sofa and went to sleep. To this day my mum will say she has never got over what had happened and sobbed at the thought of sara being sent away, wet cold and tired. Did sara know at that age my mums attention was split? did she know i was ill? did she feel it was best to stay away?How did she feel being shipped off to my nans house? If i was in hospital my mum stayed with me, my dad worked full time so sara was always to stay with my nan. Did she feel abadonned? neglected? unloved? or did she truly in her soul know what was going on in her surroundings?
Sara is a beautiful soul, we call her a witch as she is very in tune with what is going on, she knows me, how i feel... what i feel! There have been times in recent years when she has been at work and been overwelmed with a panicing feeling to later find out at that exact time on that exact day i was having an attack and was rushed to hospital, There is such a thing as twin intuition, well can there be sister intuition? I truly believe with me and sara there is.
A few years ago i was wheeled out of theatre after having a metal plate inserted in to my chest..(a portacafe) still groggy from anesthetic, hadn't yet opened my eyes and high on pain killers, i managed to open my mouth and mutter the "tell sara to stop crying" I was later told that there is no way i could have seen her as she was behind me as my bed was being wheeled back to my room, i just knew she was crying without opening my eyes, or even being fully alert!
My mum is a strong believer in destiny, path lines, past lives and karma, she has often told her she is on this earth, in this life to care for me, it was her destiny..so if that being true was CF destined for me, was sara destined to be a well person who is caught up in illness...Her life is this way because of my destiny, have i kept her from living a normal life. Have i made her question our parents love and attention for her or does she know its just our destiny's
Was i destined to be my sisters keeper?
Anna was designed and destined to save her sister from cancer... was sara made to save me in a way no doctor can? by providing humor love and understanding. By being my rock and my inspiration, my sister and my best friend...
Is she to 'her sisters keeper'??? ...........
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sunday, 6 May 2012
CF Week
First off blogger has a new layout so if this doesn't come out right i apolagise.....
So as the title suggests i am about to talk about 'CF week'
It is a week, every year that the CF trust and patients try to spread awareness of CF
Admittedly this week, this year i have done very little to spread awareness due to my own health problems so instead i thought i would write a short blog (and hopefully add some links if i can work this new layout) for you to have a read of yourselves.
First of all i would like to paste a status here that a fellow 'cf-er' wrote, i have nothing to add to her words, it speaks for itself...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=milvvnDBYfo&feature=share
Next i want to leave a link to purchase CF wristbands, by ordering a band for £2 you will be helping The CF Trust in vital research as all proceeds go straight to The Trust, If you could spare £2 please please order one :)
http://cf-breathe-easy.webs.com/
I will leave this blog here for now....
I just wanted to say, that once again, my reasoning behind this blog is to raise awareness of all aspects of CF, its problems, the facts, the truths, the laughs or embarrassment it can often bring....so please do share my blog to your own profiles for people to read and share.
Thankyou to all that do already read my blog, and i hope you will continue to do so...
And together lets make CF stand for 'Cure Found'
:)
xxx
So as the title suggests i am about to talk about 'CF week'
It is a week, every year that the CF trust and patients try to spread awareness of CF
Admittedly this week, this year i have done very little to spread awareness due to my own health problems so instead i thought i would write a short blog (and hopefully add some links if i can work this new layout) for you to have a read of yourselves.
First of all i would like to paste a status here that a fellow 'cf-er' wrote, i have nothing to add to her words, it speaks for itself...
Secondly i would like to show you a video the CF trust has made. Kerry Thorpe is in the video, 'a friend' i have never met, only spoke online to for about a year, somebody who truly does have the signature strength that many CF patients have, and wonderful person who i hope and prey gets listed for her double lung transplant soon.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=milvvnDBYfo&feature=share
Next i want to leave a link to purchase CF wristbands, by ordering a band for £2 you will be helping The CF Trust in vital research as all proceeds go straight to The Trust, If you could spare £2 please please order one :)
http://cf-breathe-easy.webs.com/
I will leave this blog here for now....
I just wanted to say, that once again, my reasoning behind this blog is to raise awareness of all aspects of CF, its problems, the facts, the truths, the laughs or embarrassment it can often bring....so please do share my blog to your own profiles for people to read and share.
Thankyou to all that do already read my blog, and i hope you will continue to do so...
And together lets make CF stand for 'Cure Found'
:)
xxx
Sunday, 15 April 2012
My silence is broken.....
So its been a while since i felt compelled to write but tonight i feel i need to speak..
I lost my voice ...(so to speak) after several hospital admissions, fighting to improve my lung function, although months later this is still the case and the fight is more difficult than its ever been i feel the need to vent and writing has always been what i do best in these situations.
I felt lost, like i was drowning in illness, i was losing myself to the point of not recognizing myself in the mirror, it was a different person looking back at me, i looked haunted...Grey, gaunt, scared, a much slimmer bonier version of the person i once knew, i felt my will to fight slipping away from me as the numbers that showed on the lung function machine slipped lower and lower, forcing every inch of breath out of my lungs in to that machine till i was physically rocking and weak with exhaustion....the numbers slipping 60-50-45-40-35-30 within a few months, endless hospital admissions, endless antibiotics being pumped in to me, making my skin dry, rip and bleed daily, nails and hair breaking away weight slipping away as the sheer effort of breathing used up all calories, 4500 calories a day including being tube fed through my nose over night in desperate vein to shift my weight above the 6stone mark, 2 and a half stone dropped from me quicker than my will to fight was dropping!!
''I dont care enough to fight any more'' was a conversation i had one late night at the hospital with my mum as we listened to the wiring of the machines pumping a concoction of drugs to keep me well, tubes up my nose, in my veins, in my chest, wires and bags overloading the drip stand, arms blue and purple from daily blood tests to monitor my liver, kidneys, infection levels, drug levels.....
Why was i silent?? ....because i was filled with anger and negativity towards everything and everyone
Why is my silence now broken??....
Along with the death of friends came the loss of my anger at my own situation....i was alive, i was still fighting, i watched danny make his final journey to corbetts tey crematorium a few months earlier.
Im now watching and hearing more friends lose their fight to this evil disease, watching as friends wait anxiously to be listed for transplant, being told they are not eligible, or going through transplant only to then face rejection.
Young lives being lost...
One choosing to end treatment to stop the suffering, just to be at peace, and breathe easy
One waiting to be listed,
One unable to be listed,
One too scared to want to be listed
One waiting for years having been listed and waiting for a match
My heart goes out to each and every angel passed, the brave who can accept the inevitable and choose to take control of there own ending, those with enough strength in there bodies to fight each and every day...
They say you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have....never has one sentence rung so true to people with Cystic Fibrosis
The strength of these people has broke my silence and broke my own self anger and pity....im alive and will live for every fallen angel
Breath easy now and forever rest in peace.. my friends i knew for years, for those who i passed in the hospital corridors, for those whose blog i read, you were all 'friends' its just a shame cf was the thing to unite us...
'Till we meet again sleep easy <3
I lost my voice ...(so to speak) after several hospital admissions, fighting to improve my lung function, although months later this is still the case and the fight is more difficult than its ever been i feel the need to vent and writing has always been what i do best in these situations.
I felt lost, like i was drowning in illness, i was losing myself to the point of not recognizing myself in the mirror, it was a different person looking back at me, i looked haunted...Grey, gaunt, scared, a much slimmer bonier version of the person i once knew, i felt my will to fight slipping away from me as the numbers that showed on the lung function machine slipped lower and lower, forcing every inch of breath out of my lungs in to that machine till i was physically rocking and weak with exhaustion....the numbers slipping 60-50-45-40-35-30 within a few months, endless hospital admissions, endless antibiotics being pumped in to me, making my skin dry, rip and bleed daily, nails and hair breaking away weight slipping away as the sheer effort of breathing used up all calories, 4500 calories a day including being tube fed through my nose over night in desperate vein to shift my weight above the 6stone mark, 2 and a half stone dropped from me quicker than my will to fight was dropping!!
''I dont care enough to fight any more'' was a conversation i had one late night at the hospital with my mum as we listened to the wiring of the machines pumping a concoction of drugs to keep me well, tubes up my nose, in my veins, in my chest, wires and bags overloading the drip stand, arms blue and purple from daily blood tests to monitor my liver, kidneys, infection levels, drug levels.....
Why was i silent?? ....because i was filled with anger and negativity towards everything and everyone
Why is my silence now broken??....
Along with the death of friends came the loss of my anger at my own situation....i was alive, i was still fighting, i watched danny make his final journey to corbetts tey crematorium a few months earlier.
Im now watching and hearing more friends lose their fight to this evil disease, watching as friends wait anxiously to be listed for transplant, being told they are not eligible, or going through transplant only to then face rejection.
Young lives being lost...
One choosing to end treatment to stop the suffering, just to be at peace, and breathe easy
One waiting to be listed,
One unable to be listed,
One too scared to want to be listed
One waiting for years having been listed and waiting for a match
My heart goes out to each and every angel passed, the brave who can accept the inevitable and choose to take control of there own ending, those with enough strength in there bodies to fight each and every day...
They say you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have....never has one sentence rung so true to people with Cystic Fibrosis
The strength of these people has broke my silence and broke my own self anger and pity....im alive and will live for every fallen angel
Breath easy now and forever rest in peace.. my friends i knew for years, for those who i passed in the hospital corridors, for those whose blog i read, you were all 'friends' its just a shame cf was the thing to unite us...
'Till we meet again sleep easy <3
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