I took some time out from blogging last year as I felt my health was overtaking my life and speaking of it, and its tremendous decline was not helping towards my depression or acceptance to my current state of health.
A lot has changed in the last year. It's like I'm a whole different person writing this today. One thing that has not changed is my love of Starbucks as I'm writing this curled up on a chair with a iced caramel latte, and of course sat with Clare, she'll forever be a constant in my life, I just can't get rid of her ;)
I guess the most major change in my life is happiness and acceptance of the current. My Relationship with Martin came to an end, a long over due end which was more than amicable as we could both see we were wrong for each other and brung the absolute worst out in each other, our relationship was destructive and we were destroying each other mentally. A relationship with lack of communication and support was bound to end, especially when support was something I needed more than ever with my declining health. I'm happy to say that we are both happy, have moved on and their are no hard feelings or hurt on either part.
The realisation that my relationship was over gave me a new awakening to life, I knew what I wanted to make me happy. I felt strong and empowered, ready to take on the world again. And with this came socialising and meeting new people, new friendships were formed and a confidence in me began to grow. After many months of living the social single life I felt like I was missing out on one thing that I had always craved. Love, attention and affection.
Through encouragement of a few friends, who had tried and tested the taboo world of online dating, I decided to sign up, what did I have to loose, I'd been single for a while and my ego needed a slight boost as most people's do at some point in their lives, I felt good about myself but almost craved that recognition from the opposite of sex for validation.
The messages started coming, "you look gorgeous, wanna meet up for fun" wink wink, "you look like the sort of girl who would look good in my bed"
Absolute disbelief and shock washed over me as I was discussing these morons with Clare (over a coffee) I said to her I felt like a piece of meat, being window shopped by men who just wanted me for one night, I wasn't sure I wanted a serious relationship, but I wanted more than that, no wonder the world of online dating has just a reputation, this reputation was proving itself to me with every sleazy message that popped up in my inbox. I didn't fancy shopping for a man online, I was going to deactivate my account and online shop for shoes, guaranteed satisfaction everytime ;)
So I logged in to my account, flicked through the final messages of sleaze in my inbox and located the deactivate button, a quick flick of my eyes over the screen one last time and something stopped me. Now I'm going to sound like a mills and boon novel here, but a guys picture really caught my eye, what can I say I'm a sucker for dimples, so a quick change of heart, I thought ok so im not going to meet my mr right on plenty of fish but if I can't beat them ill join them... so I clicked on mr dimples picture and sent him the most cringe worthy message EVER...
Hi, couldn't pass by and not say hello to someone with such a cute smile...send! Oh my god, I was Laughing with Clare at the sheer pathetic content of that message, defiantly one that would be worthy of the recycling bin if it was in my inbox...but to my surprise an almost instant reply,.. Haha thanks, you look really beautiful.... oh let the cheese begin.
We ended up messaging for some time, and I found myself looking forward to the beep of the online app, Tom had messages again I gushed to Clare. After some weeks we swopped numbers and continued to talk over text, we both deactivated our accounts from that point.
I could continue and tell you how we met, where we went on dates, at what point we felt this was something special, even the point we fell in love, but I won't. I'll just say when we did fall in love & I felt happy.
Moving forward 14 months and me and Tom are living together and he has given me courage, strength, and a love I never thought could actually happen. A truly amazing strong man has that has not only changed my life for the better he has given me a positivity I never thought existed in me, we are now fighting together and I have to Win this fight now, for what better reason is there than happiness to keep you alive.
My last blog, as I recall was based on the fact my lung function was stuck in the 30's this is still unfortunately the case. This is quite possibly the sickest I have ever actually been, my lung function is sitting stubborn in the low 30's. There has been the addition of oxygen, I use this on movement, I.E housework, walking, anything really aside from sitting still and sleeping. The absolute horror of having to overcome leaving my house with an oxygen cylinder strapped to my back was more than I can bare. In fact I refused to leave the house for many months while I adjusted to this visible sign that I wasn't the same as my piers, I was in fact sick, something I had always tried to hide, but here it was every evidence of sickness was visible with the nasal specs up my nose as I moved through the swarms of people staring at me as. Even worse when I was in my wheelchair which is now essential for long journeys.
I was everything I never wanted to be, but yet somehow once I got over the embarrassment, and realisation that I would die far to soon without these aids which my lungs so badly craved, I almost embraced this new look. I almost took on a gay mans 'I'm here and queer chant' accept it was I'm here and I have a tank of air.
This tank of air was the thing that was allowing my lease of life, it's surprising how you can actually walk a little further with that magical substance called oxygen, something god so kindly forgot to gave me a good enough supply off :)
The stares that used to render me useless, a crying mess in the middle of town was now, my new accessory, like a handbag, I embraced the stares. I may be a slightly different, and my face furniture may not be stylish gok wans but its my face furniture and I'm strangely proud of it. It's got me to where I am now, so for that I have to love olly and will...(olly the oxygen tank and will the wheelchair)
I don't feel I want to talk about my health much more than that at the moment, I'm not entirely sure why, but I think it's because I don't want every aspect of my blog to be about mundane Cystic Fibrosis, it does get boring :)
I think I'll talk more next time, so Untill then....
Thanks for reading :)